cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
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BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I’d rather fork than spoon.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*