“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
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Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator