imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
You Might Also Like
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Ironic
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.