WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
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I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
fired
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.