Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
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When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?