Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
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Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
man: wait
time: no
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny