It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
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Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*