When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
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I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.