adam and eve had first world problems
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I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER