I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
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Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Twitter fine art
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.