Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
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this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
When they try to steal your moment.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!