I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
You Might Also Like
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick