Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
You Might Also Like
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Velcrow
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly