“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
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I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
me and who
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me