I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
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It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”