went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
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me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
this chia pet tastes awful
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth