If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
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my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Ah yes. The three genders
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons