dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
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Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine