Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
You Might Also Like
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
consequences, the bane of my existence
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas