I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
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I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Friends that check up on you >
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet