“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
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“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?