My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
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I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
There’s never enough good news
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.