[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
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All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.