Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
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YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
why am I working on Labor Day
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?