that wasn’t the question
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doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Damn he played himself
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*