“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
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I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having