People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
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Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.