Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
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About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Bro what is this
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
me doing my best
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.