Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
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What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
the last thing a carrot sees
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
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