Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
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A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.