Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
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2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”