ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
You Might Also Like
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby