Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
You Might Also Like
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.