I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
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This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.