My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
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I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
one of
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.