I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
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My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
More like Kate Missington.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Only Americans understand
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what