Ooh I do like a good funnel
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She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*