When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
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[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Stonehinge
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?