I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
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Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor: