It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
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It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.