Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
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…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Always
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I unironically love this joke.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.