compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
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If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
That’s easy for you to say
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]