Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
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[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.