[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
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my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.