(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
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We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.