T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
You Might Also Like
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
📽️movie date🎞️
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
they split up moments later
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
that’s really how it is
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it