Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
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Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey