Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
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them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
What’s so funny?
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Muppet Screams
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately