November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
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Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
How software testing works
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?