*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
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me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.